ALONE

I can't believe today is March 1st and my February calendar is full of green "x's" marking off the days we survived being alone. Many friends told me I would be surprised at how easy days would be "alone." But for me that is such a scary and ugly word, "ALONE". I hate being alone. Well except maybe when I try to sneak into the bathroom and kids follow me ~ THEN I want to be alone, but that is really the only time I can recall!
There is so much I wanted to write about in this blog about the process of beginning healing, learning about healing, the NEED for healing and our success and failures in healing. I got lost in my overwhelming grief and fear and couldn't process how to begin. I have been writing daily letters to Vince that will give a chronological view of events I can refer to later but that wasn't even the thoughts I was searching for here. I have been a solitary partner in this marriage for at least the past 7 years. That isn't to say that Vince hasn't had wonderful dad moments, loving husband moments, and made us happy at times. However, the ups and downs associated with a life in addiction bring more confusion, pain, and sorrow than moments of happiness and joy.
 I have felt alone in raising our children and plotting out life choices. I have been alone in trying to piece together the financial needs, nutritional needs, and household needs for our family. I have been very alone in the spiritual choices and processes by which we would learn as a family. God was here and I believe he brought me peace and comfort more times than I can count. But there was a time that even His voice grew distant. I would allow him in when I wanted Him here but at the risk of having to be convicted by my sin or His longing for more of me I turned that station down. I continued to attend church, put on a smile, pretend that life was grand and I had it all together but part of my spiritual walk was dead.
 WHY did this have to happen to me? WHY did addiction claim Vince? WHY wouldn't he choose us over his addiction? WHEN if ever would this end? HOW much would we have to suffer before it would end? On January 31, 2013, I surrendered my choice to TRY and control finding answers atheft hint the active pain in my family and pleaded with God to take over. Whatever the cost. Whatever the journey. I begged Him to relieve my burden and help show me what I was supposed to be doing for Him. Yes, I asked Him to do a LOT for me. But there is a distinct difference between "asking for His will to be done" and "asking for it to be done MY way." Oh the incredible relief when that burden is off your own shoulders! Oh the GLORY that comes from the Father when you place your pain, failure, sin, and sorrow in His hands. Such peace is provided it is overwhelming. That's not to say that it was all easy, but worth it! I don't instant why this is a lesson I have to learn over and over again ( but that's a whole other blog!) Although I have truly never been alone throughout any of this process the moments now where I find my self feeling sorry for the situation I lean to fabulous family and friends and Point of Grace's beautiful song "You Will Never Walk Alone."