Monday, April 8, 2013

2 months!

What an exciting day.  A day to praise and reflect on how far we've come. 
I went to my first AA meeting today.  It was interesting.  I felt both concern and excitement for the people involved in the room. It is a sobering experience in itself because it makes you understand the depth of the disease from many different points of view. 
When you are living daily with your addict it is easy to begin doubting and it is really hard to understand their constant battle.  A variety of testimonies really highlightes just how hard it is for addicts to stay sober each day.

Back to the praising.  I'm so happy for Vince.  It's hard to believe that 2 months ago today I left him at Caron.  Here's to another 2 days,  2 months,  2 years.....

*Feeling blessed

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

School paper

I just finished a college class that required I write an autobiography.  We were studying "Women's Autobiographies from 1800's-2000's" and I had to model my paper after the language and rhythm one of the authors studied used.
All this to say, it may read a little strange because my chosen author was WACK! (lol) but it was an interesting approach at where I am right now in a creative writing mode.

My Inner American

A midlife arrival warrants some form of reflection upon the avenues of journey in which my life has suddenly landed.  Although many events require shades so as not to dwell on the despair, many reveal blessings and happiness.  If the events of my life can facilitate an easier way for just one person, I will count it worth it all.

I was born in Arlington, in Texas, in the year 1976, to Christian parents.  My father’s name was Joe Bacon, he was a Baptist preacher; my mother’s name was Phyllis.  My father was in charge of our household and my mother supported his every move and decision whether she agreed to it or not.  At an early age I realized the importance of exemplifying a perfect life to all those interested enough to watch.  I viewed my parents marriage as perfect and magical not unlike that of Cinderella’s fairy tale yet minus the castle, money, and fairy godmother. 

All that I longed for as puberty befell was to find a mate that would be my prince.  Maturity arrived and with it came an urgency to achieve my dream of marriage and children.  The view of this mystical world presented by my parents created an illusion that left me wanting nothing more. Yet, when my prince arrived there was no regal ball and quickly I realized that nothing was as fairy tale as it appeared. 

I cried out to the God I had learned to worship from a very young age.  How could I have been so wrong and believed all to be easy and viable, became the resounding question left with no audible answer.  Muddling through the first year of marriage and the impending birth of our first son had more bright days than dark but the stark reality that marriage was a daily job was disheartening.  An affair brought thunder, lightening, and torrential downpours of weeping that made my heart feel as though it was obliterated into a million dust particles.

Intense intervention with counseling and elders of the church brought scrutiny about a future and God’s innate will for any proceeding years.  Pressing forward through obstacles and pain, the preceding eight years of our marriage were blissfully enjoyable.  Three more children followed the first, the purchase of a home, a dog, numerous jobs, and as happily ever after as real life possible.

God certainly wasn’t first although upbringing taught that he should be.  Church was attended, smiles were pasted, and a picturesque family was present at any glance. Demons arose on occasion through alcohol or some form of disproportioned anger.  But in general life was blissful.  In October of 2004, just days after our 9th wedding anniversary the doom and despair returned in the shape of a confession.  The man who I had resurrected to wholesome father, man of God, lover of my being told me in simple terms that he got high every single day and had for the endurance of our time together.

An earthquake could not have rocked my core as hard as this revelation did. Feelings of guilt, doubt, and anger on top of question, stupidity, and irritation flooded my soul.  A desperation for who, what, when, where, why, and what the hell were just a few of the questions that radiated out of my anger. 

Over the next seven years there were would be additional resentments, moments of desperation, as well as roller coasters of trusting, not, considering, and quitting.  The Satan of my world was addiction and the Devil of the underworld played with it until it ate at my very being.  Doubts regarding my sanity and capability rounded every corner.  Thoughts of running from all of it and ending my journey and fight consumed my days. 

At one point I became strong and decided to fight the demon by forcing it to realize I could be independent.  I began taking college classes with the thought of scaring the possessed into realizing I was formulating a plan for my own future and that Satan could no longer hold me back.  Although my children and I attended services regularly the moment the church doors closed the Holy Spirit and its influences were left behind. 

A new child was born some six years after the fourth and with her a breath of fresh air renewed the hearts and souls of all involved.  This new spirit was so full of the love of Jesus, His mercy and grace that all around her couldn’t help but believe in a greater good. 

Fifty days ago my husband walked into an inpatient facility, laid his demons aside and asked the Holy Spirit to fill him and make him the man of my Prince Charming dreams.  He began a new spiritual journey and so did my 5 children and I.  He was gone for a month and in that time we were able to process and learn the severity of his addiction.  Additionally we were able to process the damage his choices had made and reflect upon our own accountability in support and other personal choices. 

Just like author Elizabeth Ashbridge describes in her autobiography I no longer tried to retain control over my own affairs but rather relinquished my abilities into the able and willing hands of my Lord and Savior.  Allowing him complete control of my families healing, my husband’s addiction, and my anxiety has been the most freeing and liberating experience of my life.  I am now able to freely praise Him for the riches he has bestowed upon me and trust Him for the plan He has for my future.

With a husband sober only fifty days, a short 5 months until the completion of my college degree, and 5 children relying on me to provide for them tomorrow my future may seem insecure.  However, with the Lord guiding my every step and move I believe that my eternity shines bright and my hope will remain strong.  Oh that the promises of my childhood had not needed grooming but had just been believed.  My life might have been a different story.

Friday, March 8, 2013

The wheels on the bus go round and round

My mom recently taught that childhood song to Addisyn and we get a kick out of watching her do motions and mess up words.  I'm on a bus headed to the self proclaimed, "Happiest Place on earth!".

I'm really extremely excited.  I'm with some wonderful friends and equally fabulous kids.  What an awesome break from reality and a chance to play, laugh, and not worry about anything.  My fabulous mom is taking care of the kids and allowing me to spend time with Josh.  A dear friend reminded me that I only have a few more years with him.

When I get home, Vince will be home and we can begin working on our new life.

For now I'm setting aside the anxiety, replacing, and planning to laugh as much as possible.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Sometimes He calms the child

I wish I had the talent of musicians who put lyrics and tones to their thoughts and feelings.  It is so comforting to know that others think and feel the same way at times and it is such a blessing to be reminded of His great love, care, purpose, and plan.

I've often wondered at times why I was chosen for this life.  This certainly isn't how I thought my adult world would be.  I never would have guessed I'd be married to an addict or going through the struggles day to day life brings.  A constant catch phrase is "God doesn't give you more than you can handle".  My thought is God thinks so much higher of me than I do!

I want to know the purpose behind this storm.  I want to fast forward and see what possible good can come from this trial.  I know scripture.  I am aware of Bible stories and other personal testimonies where this information has not been made clear in a lifetime.  I hope my story can be different.

I have encountered numerous aquaintances in the last month that have been shocked by the story I have to tell. Shocked not out of judgement but because they can either relate or know someone who can.  I'm ashamed that I have not spoken of this sooner and allowed God to minister to others through me.  Why do I let pride prevent telling the truth about my personal pain and struggle?

I want to write a book.  Perhaps only my family will read it, but nevertheless I want to write it in the hopes to find clarity, understanding, and just maybe a reason.

Oh that God will be glorified as he chooses to calm my storm or just give me peace.